So after five weeks here on the paradise island of Jamaica I finally found the cracks in the image, the flaws in the beauty, the shit under the finger nails. We had been locked on compound for three weeks so we figured it was time to head to a lively beach. Ocho Rios seemed to fit the bill, but it was a pretty shite weekend away. Super expensive and harassed by hawkers every minute of the day.

There were some highlights. We got to walk Dunn River Falls that was rad, even thought the tourist effect tried to over shadow it. “You pay twice for this, pay for this, oh a charge for that, and while your here then you may as well pay for these too”.

Beach was crap. It was gated to keep the hawkers out and the official beach sanctioned hawkers in. Oh and you had to pay, even though  the water was crappy and the only view was the side of a bleeding cruise ship which secreted super fat people all weekend.

Did I say there were hawkers everywhere, always hassling?

Our hotel was over priced and falling to bits and some of us had to sleep on bed bases or sofa cushions because they cheated us by saying there was more beds than there really was. Not something good to find when you check in late night. It did have a pool bar though. That was good. the first night we turned up, jumped straight into the pool, started to sink beers and noticed CHUCK NORRIS was on the bar tv screen.

We did go to a GNARLY strip joint. Live sex anyone? Like full blown everything sex.

Another show was a lady who swallowed bottles of all shapes and sizes, not orally. And not from the friendly end. And with very little resistance. Reamed out.

Then there was the food and drink show which included a girl drinking a bottle of beer…through another girls pussy.
One girl get on shoudlers, other girl jams bottle of Heineken in the puam puam, squeezes a few straws in there too and proceeds to guzzle. Through the use of vag muscles the beer actually fountained out. I really wanna try it.

Saw girls doing a whole routine on the pole with a ciggie in her paum. puffing it and everything. Skill, control and clunge muscles of steel.

Oh yeah, a bunch of the boys did go an experience the extras that the performers offer. I’m pretty confident that all of them have had children and probably have numerous STIs. Ah mate, you guys got wrecked cocks now. Dirty dirty dirty boys. Would you do that kind of thing at home? So why would you do it here? 

Despite trying to take the drinking easy during the nights (nothing stopped beers by the pool most of the day) I still left Ocho Rios feeling like this toad looks. I felt beaten up and like the alcohol had gone bad in my brain. 

Never ever ever go to Ocho Rios. It’s wank. Apparently it’s way better than Montego Bay and Negril so fuck going there. Back to the quiet surf beaches and friendly hassle free people of the eastside of Jamaica.