We made a weekend retreat from the mountains to the beach. I’m so tired at the moment that I fell asleep the whole journey. Luckily the Jamaican Tourist Board helps out weary travelers and have erected a bunch of big billboards right on the beach reminding people where they are.

A wall of sound. This beach is apparently way off the tourist trail so should be peaceful. Instead we were greeted by this monstrosity as we walked onto the beach. It pumped out music from early morning till early morning. It was actually quite entertaining having music playing. Usually I really really hate beaches because they are so boring. People get all excited about going to the beach but for me there is nothing worse than planning even an afternoon sitting around doing fuck all, or lying on sand (which gets right into your sandwiches), or just tanning (I mean tanning isn’t an activity, it’s a fucking excuse for being a lazy twat). I hate beaches, however this one was fun. As well as the music there was little waves to body surf on, drinking was allowed on the beach (or encouraged even), the water was as warm as bath water so there was no ball aching quick dips here, and there was always entertainment in the form of the drunk kiwis we had brought along and the weird old rastas and lazy hippies that had made the beach their life.

Coconut straight off the tree into my hand…via a 100Jam$ fee to the rasta man who cut it open. Jamaican jelly they called it. The juice was tasty, plentiful, and refreshing after drinking a ton of beer that arvo, but the inner ‘jelly’ was not so good. It had the look and consistency of man jam. Fuck that.

Beaches. Not as shit as I thought. I will definitely make some more trips to beaches from now on, but it has reaffirmed my belief that people that decide to live “the beach life” on “at the beach” are essentially lazy fuckers.

Also when 2FLAT and IFSHITCOULDTALK get married then this is the sort of beach the ceremony will take place on. Did I say go check out IFSHIT COUDLTALK?