Each summer Chromag Bikes hold a Show ‘n’ Shine event where owners attempt to win the coveted Best In Show award. Well, not every owner goes for the win. While some people spend months putting together a fresh, beautiful bike or coming up with an equally impressive way of displaying their bike (think peepshow, full A/V accompaniments or sculptures that are as, if not more, beautiful than the bike they hold) others just roll up, stick the bike in a rack, hang a tag on it and get into the beer. I went for the latter this year, but one day that winners prize will be mine. This is what I wrote to ‘explain’ my personal ride.

This Bike Is Common Sense

Frame: Stylus. ‘Cause I ain’t got time for no dainty shit.

Color: This reminds me of World War II tanks, Spitfires, British Sports Cars, and certainly isn’t reminiscent of your Slutty Auntie’s lipstick, like some other bikes.

Forks: They are black, all black. They going BOING when I go WHHHHEEEE!

Dropper: There’s two types of people that don’t have a dropper post, those that can’t afford one, and those that just don’t get it. The former is excusable.

Saddle: A leathery throne that feels like a soothing balm for my own leathery taint.

Wheels: Definitely wheel shaped and about the right size. Made out of science plastic. The missing spoke is a good luck charm.

Front tire: As long as the front is gripping, the rear will follow.

Rear Tire: For when the front does really let go.

Gearing: If you have to pedal that much, you obviously aren’t going fast enough.

Pedals: Spud hops, ‘nuff said. [missing from this image]

Grips: A nice handful.

Brakes: Polished silver and with my own name on them. The least stock thing on this bike.

Bar width: Some people like narrower bars. That’s their choice, just like some people choose to enjoy driving without a seatbelt or having sexual liaisons with their cousins.

Stem: It’s a mountain bike, it has to be short.

Sugru chainstay guard: Rub it in your hands and smear it all over. Dulls the noise and isn’t a piece of garbage that’s been taken out of the bin to do the same job.

Drink Water Sticker: Like the rest of the bike, it just makes perfect sense.

Weight: No idea.

I showered before riding tonight. The bike doesn’t need no spit ’n’ shine, it’s a bloody bike for goodness sake. I didn’t come here to get votes, so move along and put a tick next to one of the snazzy bikes that are hanging around.